The essence of coaching lies in helping others and unlocking their potential, but we all have a deeply ingrained habit of slipping into the advice-giver/expert/answer-it/solve-it/fix-it mode.
There is still a place for your advice and answer as a leader, you should just try to slow down the rush to it as your default behavior.
A little more asking people questions and a little less telling people what to do. Here are the seven magic questions to ask.
What's on your mind?
An open question that invites people to get to the heart of the matter and share what's most important to them.
And what else?
A question that creates more wisdom, more insights, and more options because the first answer someone gives you is almost always never the only answer, and it's rarely the best answer. When someone says "there is nothing else" you have succeeded.
What's the real challenge here for you?
It's time to focus. When people start talking to you about the challenge at hand, what they are laying out for you is rarely the actual problem. The "for you" pins the question to the person you are talking to.
What do you want?
This one is difficult to answer. We often don't know what we actually want. The illusion that both parties to the conversation know what the other party wants is pervasive, and it sets the stage for plenty of frustrating exchanges.
How can I help?
This question is forcing your colleague to make a direct and clear request. That may be useful because she might not be sure why she started this conversation with you.
Second, this question stops you from rushing into "rescuer" mode where you offer advice or start to take over responsibilities.
If you are saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?
This question is more complex than it sounds, which accounts for its potential. It puts the spotlight on how to create the space and focus, energy and resources that you'll need to truly do that 'Yes'.
It's all too easy to shove another 'Yes' into the bag of our overcommitted lives.
What was most useful for you? / What did you find most valuable about this chat?
This one gives you feedback, it will give you guidance on what to do more of next time. It gives your colleague a chance to recall and reflect on key takeaways from the conversation. That's when we start learning.
Drop the "Why?" questions
In a coaching conversation, don't ask the 'Why' questions. You put them on the defensive. Rather than "Why did you do that?", try "What where you hoping for there?" or "What made you choose this course of action?".
And by the way, don't forget to ask the questions with genuine interest and curiosity and acknowledge the answers.
"The Coaching Habit" by Michael Bungay Stanier.
