How to talk to anyone

You have been there. You are introduced to someone. You shake hands, your eyes meet, and then ...

What do I say after I say Hello?

Don't worry. 

Melody

80 percent of your listener's impression has nothing to do with your words. Small talk is about melody. You must first match your listener's mood and voice of tone.

It's not what you say that matters, it's how you say it. A passionate delivery makes you sound exciting.

An old friend

Here's a mental trick you can play on yourself. In your mind's eye, see him or her as an old friend.

Suddenly, WOW! What a surprise! After all those years, the two of you are reunited. You are so happy.

The secret to making people like you is showing how much you like them.

Throw out some facts 

When asked "What do you do?", flesh it out. Throw out some delicious facts about your job for them to munch on. You can also prepare different variations of this answer, depending on who's asking.

Also, learn some engaging facts about your hometown that they can comment on. Never provide a one-word answer on the question "And where are you from?".

Lingo of the crowd

Learn some opening questions and the lingo of the crowd you will be with. Find out what the hot issues are in their fields. Listen to a newscast just before you leave. Anything that happened today is good material.

Be a detective ... and a parrot

When talking with anyone, like a good detective, listen for clues. Be on the lookout for any unusual references: any anomaly, deviation, digression. Then ask about it.

Like a parrot, simply repeat the last few words your conversation partner says. Echo their nouns, verbs, prepositions, adjectives back.

Hearing their words come out of your mouth makes them feel you share their values, their attitudes and their interests.

Say their name

People perk up when they hear their own name. Use it more often on the phone than you would in person to keep their attention and to replace eye contact.

Indirect compliments

Instead of telling someone directly of your admiration, tell someone who is close to the person you wish to compliment.

A compliment one hears is never as exciting as the one he/she overhears. Keep your ears open for good things people say about each other.

Pass it on.

"How to talk to anyone" by Leil Lowndes

Career advice

I've been pondering about career advice lately. What would an older and wiser me say to this young student 19 years ago?

Work with the right people

Yes, the company, their vision, values and your tasks are important, but don't forget your future colleagues.

Work with people you can learn and grow from. You adopt the thoughts, attitudes and standards of the people around you.

Working with the right people is one of the best educations you can get.

The team you choose to join, and your boss, are huge factors in the value of a professional experience early in your career.

Simply do the basics well

Take initiative. Take ownership. Do what you say you will do. Be the one that people can count on to show up and figure things out. Ask questions. Get along with people. Do more than you are asked.

Care about your colleagues. Be humble. Listen to understand. Be on time. Be proactive in seeking new information, knowledge, and skills. Being willing to change things.

These basic things stand out. It's character. It's the result of your little choices and little actions, and they are completely under your control.

And I believe they will help unlock your potential.

Add communication and non-sales selling into your mixture

In addition to whatever your professional skill is, add communication, either written or verbal, into your mixture.

Learn how to formulate and tell clear, concise narratives. Good stories beat good spreadsheets.

Also learn yourself non-sales selling. You sell ideas, a vision, a strategy, a solution, even yourself.

These are skills for life that will be valuable in any role.

Find something to hold on to

You will face uncertainty, changes, and chaos. For me, having a set of personal values to hold onto has been a savior. A compass.

What's most important to you?

When you face situations where you have no idea what to do, hold on to your values and use them to guide your next steps.

Don't stress. It took me years to figure this out.

Take care of yourself

Breathe. Take care of yourself today, mentally and physically. Take rest seriously. It plants the seeds for a healthier, happier life decades later.

Follow your energy. When you have energy for something, go for it.

Find a balance between things that give you energy and things that drain you of energy.

Reflect and write down the things that stress you out and the things that make you happy.

Use your colleagues, they are here for you.

What's your career advice?

Asking the right questions

Are you good at asking the right questions in the right context?

Here are some questions I will ask more of.

When you hear things are impossible, problematic or difficult, try to lift the cognitive load of reality and let the person play with the imagination, and solutions may become more accessible.
  • What would it look like if it were possible? What would it look like if it were easy?
  • Imagine a miracle happened and your problem was solved. How would you know?
Instead of examining something problematic, difficult or bad in isolation, try to get clarity from contrast.
  • "This is so hard / bad / problematic ...", ... compared to what?
Have you met people who are very confident and firmly believe they are right and that they know the answer or solution? Be curious, and ask some questions.
  • How do you know that? How do you know that this is the right thing to do?
  • What leads you to that conclusion or to that assumption?
  • What might happen if it's wrong?
  • What are the uncertainties in your reasoning?

When you are presented with new strategies, directions or processes, don't you sometimes wonder ...

  • Do we have to change in an obvious way in order to execute this strategy?
  • What do we need to do in order to deliver on this? What do we need to stop?
  • How do we know if this new strategy, process or whatever is successful? How do we recognize a successful execution?
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and stressed over all the problems and opportunities that should be addressed and solved.
  • But what happens if we do nothing? Maybe that's a question we should ask more often.
Have you ended up in a deep rabbit hole where the discussion leads nowhere?
  • What are we trying to accomplish here?
  • What are we up against here?
  • How would you like me to proceed? How can we solve this problem?
Learning is important for me. These fun questions are difficult to answer, but they at least trigger some reflections.
  • What have surprised you the most?
  • What's the most difficult thing you did the last X weeks/months, and what did you learn from it?
I am not good at small talk with new people, so here's at least one opening I use.
  • What are you currently working on that you are most excited about?

What questions do you tend to ask and why?

You are your narrative

You are not you in an organization, but you are what the stories tell about you. In many different organizational contexts, you are your narrative.

That's one of many things from Christian Vandsø Andersen (rest in peace) that made me think.

The narrative shapes us, and it shapes those around us. We try to live up to it.

How many people know the real you? Are they hiring you or the illusion of you - the story told about you?

And who created your narrative? Someone was characterizing you. Somehow, down the road, your story was shaped into what it is today.

People are cognitively lazy when it comes to others. When someone asks "Hey, do you know Steffan?" the easiest thing to do is just to repeat the description that you just heard instead of making up your own.

Changing an established, dominating story in an organization is quite tricky, but not impossible. You can influence what is being said and how the story is told. You can become the author of your own story.

But you have to make sure it's not just a "story told", but also a "story lived". It has to be based on behaviors experienced by several people.

To take control of your narrative is to take control of what you do and select the important "stars in the star signs".

Didn't get the job you applied for because they wanted someone more strategic?

When you introduce yourself in meetings next time, drop a potential piece of your narrative.

"Well, I am first and foremost known as a strategist. I enjoy helping other teams and I'm often invited to help build strategies in various parts of the company. I'm not saying I'm an expert strategist - I think it's mainly because I don't mind lending a helping hand that people call me a strategist".

The words will spread, and invitations will start to drop in, requesting strategic help. The expectations to you will rise and you will start living up to it.

This will lead to some successful strategies which people begin to talk about at the water cooler.

The next time you apply for the same strategic position, it's not unlikely that "I hear you are quite a strategist" will be the opening mark from the recruiting manager.

How do you shape your story?

"Magic@Work" by Christian Vandsø Andersen

The canvas strategy

What's your take on the canvas strategy by Ryan Holiday?

The idea is simple. Find canvases for other people to paint on.

Be an anteambulo. A roman term for the one who clears the path in front of their patron. Making way, communicating messages, eliminating distractions and waste and generally making the patron’s life easier.

If you clear the path for the people above you, you will eventually create a path for yourself.

The person who clears the path ultimately controls its direction, just as the canvas dictates the painting.

It's not about kissing ass and making your boss -look- good. It's about providing the support so that others can be good. It's about finding the direction someone already intends to head and help them focus on their strengths.

Bill Belichick, the now six-time Super Bowl-winning head coach, made his way up the ranks of the NFL by loving and mastering the one part of the job that coaches disliked at the time: analyzing film.

He strove to become the best at precisely what others thought they were too good for and therefore didn't want to do. He was like a sponge, taking it all in, listening to everything.

His insights gave the other more senior coaches things they could give their players. It gave them an edge they would take credit for exploiting in the game.

He became a rising star without threatening or alienating anyone. He mastered the canvas strategy.

In the canvas strategy you are the least important person in the room - until you change that with results. Greatness comes from humble beginnings. It comes from grunt work.

You focus all your energy on finding, presenting, and facilitating opportunities that help other people inside the company succeed.

Imagine if for every person you met, you thought of some way to help them in a way that entirely benefited them and not you. What reputation and relationships would that help you develop?

You help yourself by helping others.

You trade your short term gratification for a longer term payoff.